When you feel like you don't fit in

There are autistic people who, despite having received a diagnosis, still feel like they don't fit in. Not only in neurotypical environments, but also—and this is much harder to explain—within the autistic community itself.

This feeling is deep and unspoken . It doesn't usually appear in clinical guidelines or public discourse. But it exists. And it hurts.

Based on an experience shared with many other autistic people, especially those who have lived much of their lives without knowing they were autistic, I want to reflect and give some clues as to why this happens , as well as some recommendations to alleviate this feeling.

When you don't recognize yourself in others or in yourself

Many autistic people explain that, once diagnosed, they thought they would finally find their place. A space where they could be themselves without pretending, where they could rest from the constant camouflage . But sometimes that doesn't happen, and they encounter:

• Groups with which they do not identify.
• Very specific discourses on "what it is to be autistic," which do not include their reality.
• Judgments within the community itself (for example: "you can't be autistic if you don't need so much support" or "if you hide it, you're betraying the community").

This feeling of disconnection can generate a lot of pain: a kind of second exclusion that is difficult to put into words.

Preventing suicidal behavior in people with autism

Ir al artículo

What are the causes of this feeling?

This discomfort is nobody's fault. But we can talk about some of the causes that can trigger it:

• Autism is very diverse: There is no single way to be autistic. Some people need intensive support, while others don't. Some lead very structured lives, while others live immersed in chaos. All are valid profiles, but they are not always equally visible.
• Camouflage disconnects: People who have camouflaged themselves for years, especially women and those diagnosed in adulthood, often have a diffuse identity. When they receive the label "autistic," they don't always know how to position themselves within it.
• The autistic community itself can also perpetuate exclusionary dynamics: Even without malicious intent, expectations, comparisons, or rigid discourses can arise within the autistic community. This can lead some individuals to feel "too" or "not enough" autistic.

This feeling of not fitting in with autistic people like yourself can generate a lot of pain: a kind of second exclusion that is hard to put into words.

How is this exclusion experienced?

Not feeling like you belong to any group can have important consequences:

• Emotional: sadness, anxiety, a very deep loneliness.
• Identity-related: doubts about one's own validity ("perhaps I made the wrong diagnosis", "maybe I'm exaggerating").
• Social: lack of network, withdrawal, abandonment of activities or relationships.

This can cause the person to stop seeking community, support, or help, and to withdraw into themselves again.

Raquel Montllor Linares

Mental health activist

"Society needs to know that we exist and what happens to us in order to stop seeing us as the odd ones out."

Ver testimonio

What can we do?

This discomfort can be managed. It can't always be "resolved," but it can be alleviated. Here are some recommendations for families and professionals, as well as for autistic individuals:

Families:

• Validate the discomfort without rushing and without "encouraging" the person to overcome it.
• Avoid phrases like "you shouldn't get angry about not fitting in."
• Accompany by seeking diverse and safe spaces, not just groups with the label "autistic".

Professionals:

• Avoid idealizing the diagnosis as if it solved everything.
• Recognize diversity within the spectrum.
• Create spaces where people can talk about their discomfort without fear of being judged.

Autistic people:

• Practice self-compassion: you're not weird for feeling this way.
• Give yourself permission to not fit in anywhere, at least for now.
• Look for people who listen without haste or demands (sometimes they are not groups, but individuals).

Feeling excluded within your own community can be devastating. But talking about it is already a form of resistance. There are others who have felt this way too. There are paths forward, small but welcoming communities , spaces of shared silence that can offer support. Even if you don't fit in, you are still you. And that is valid.